TRIGGER WARNING!
My mother’s boyfriend is at our house.
He is drunk.
He is always drunk.
My mother is not home.
She is at work.
She won’t be home until morning.
I am very nervous about this.
I am lying in my bed.
I am trying to fall asleep.
I can hear him.
He is coming towards my room,
I am scared.
I don’t want him to come into my room.
My bedroom door opens and I know that he is there.
I pretend to be asleep.
I hear the wooden floor boards creak as he gets closer to my bed.
He does not belong in here.
I want him to leave.
He sits down on my bed.
I am terrified.
Why is he here?
I am very still.
I keep my eyes closed.
I want him to leave.
Please, just let him leave.
I am holding my breath.
He puts his hand on my ass.
I need to get out of here.
I can’t move.
I am frozen with fear.
There is no one here to help me.
I can feel his hand.
I feel dirty.
Violated.
Afraid.
I want to die.
He moves his hand.
He gets up.
He leaves my room.
I let out a breath, but I’m still afraid.
Where did he go?
Will he be back?
I am too afraid to sleep.
I watch the flashing light coming from a nearby radio station on the dark paneling walls of my bedroom.
I lie there, allowing myself to be mesmerized by the flashing lights and I wait.
And wait.
And wait.
It is morning.
I know my mother will be home soon.
I wait some more.
I hear my mother’s car pull into the driveway of our row home.
Finally, I know he will not be back.
I should tell my mother, but I don’t.
I do not tell her because I have already been well trained.
When these things happen, we do not tell.
November 14, 2019 at 9:00 am
I applaud you for speaking what we are trained as little girls, even as women, not to say.
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November 14, 2019 at 9:37 am
Thank you! The way we are conditioned into silence is such a big part of the problem. I am passionate about doing my part to try and change that.
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